Jun 2, 2018

Parenting Truths - Teen Boy edition

Used with permission.....in fact, he's getting a kick out of it.

I've been a mom now for over 20 years. My oldest three are all males. (Prayers are always appreciated.) Here are a few things I've learned over the years concerning them.

  1. They stink. They hit puberty and *horrormoans hit them with BO. Do NOT sniff their laundry. I repeat do NOT sniff their laundry. You WILL gag.
  2. They stain things. (Actually, this never goes away and starts at birth, only the stains change.) Buy the good detergent, and get fabric softener. 
  3. They fight. Dominance will be determined one way or the other. Hopefully verbally, probably not entirely.  
  4. Show no fear. You show fear and it's over. Chances are if they aren't taller than you, soon they will be.
  5. They will scare you with the stunts they pull. If you're lucky it will be skateboarding. If you are me it will be skateboarding down Killerhill, without a helmet, no glasses, and idiot friends cheering them on or worse parkour from one roof-top to roof-top.
  6. Housework won't kill them. They will swear it does and they will sound like they are dying. They won't. Invest in earplugs.
  7. They can cook more than Hotpockets and pizza rolls. Make them cook a meal once in awhile. 
  8. They can and will use their cooking skills to impress girls. Try not to laugh at the memory of them whining that none of their friends cook, and how stupid it is for a guy to cook.
  9. Grunting. It's a thing. You can usually get the gist of what they are trying not to communicate if you listen despite their best efforts.
  10. The side eye. It will manifest. Nip it in the bud. It's your first clue an attitude is fixin' to happen.
  11. They remember everything. They use this skill with the art and talent of a Michelin star chef with shaved truffles. Basically, when life gets boring they remind you of when it wasn't.
  12. Pizza is a food group. Period. 
  13. The time they spend on their hair and grooming before a date doubles that of a teen girl in an average week.
  14. Axe. It's evil. They can and will overuse it. You will get headaches. Fresh air, find it.
  15. You will swear they have shoes everywhere. They don't. It's the same pair they wear every day. They are just so huge that no matter where they put them you will trip.
  16. They still like fart jokes. Having a girlfriend that likes fart jokes is called a keeper. Same with burps. A girl that can outdo them is "wifey material". 
  17. Video games are now a permanent part of your life. You may never pick up a controller, but you will know more about Call of Duty and Skyrim than you ever wanted to.
  18. They eat and I do mean EAT. When they open the freezer after you've just spent over $200 and complain there is nothing to eat remember deep breaths...deep breaths. and repeat "I love my children." as often as needed until the blinding rage subsides.
  19. Insults are not insults around friends. It's how they bond. The meaner/deeper the cutting remark the deeper the trust. Apparently, it's an art form. Headlocks and pulled punches are especially appreciated.
  20. Having one is amazing, having multiple teen boys is a blessing. They will break your heart when they ache over their first break up. They will melt your heart when you see them helping a younger kiddo. They will lighten your heart when you see them goofing off with each other, especially if they are brothers. They will fill your heart with pride when they start to step out of childhood habits and start to take up adult responsibilities. They will make your heart overflow with love when they look you in eye and say 'thanks' and you know it's so much more.
Yup, teen boys, I wouldn't trade any of mine, biological or otherwise for all the money in the world. As my daughter used to say, 'they are better than chocolate!'. 

*horrormoans - pronounced horror - moans, the made-up word I use instead of hormones. 

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